drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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