I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
