I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
