true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
