If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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