i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
