My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
