There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I currently don't understand fingers.
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