with your own penis?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
