Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
