i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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