can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
