So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
