I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
