tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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