Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
