If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
His hands were made for my vagina.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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