Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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