she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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