You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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