I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
