DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
