Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
