My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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