wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
