and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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