Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
