I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
