Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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