i think i have two assholes
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
