Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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