Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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