there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize