last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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