I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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