Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
whose parrot is this?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
