I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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