my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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