i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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