I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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