Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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