i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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