It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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