An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't deserve a penis
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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