Yo dont text me then not text me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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