mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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