Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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