You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
