I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
