So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
