i think my tv is drunk
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize