I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
