Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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