i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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