She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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