I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
