Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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