Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize