you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
