She is in my trunk
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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