Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
And then my night got REAL pukey
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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