I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize