someone threw a dead crab at me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
